Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Fitness Wagon

Ah, the fitness wagon.  I'm a frequent passenger, but I usually buy the multi-stop ticket so I can jump on and off as I see fit (no pun intended). I'm hard core, I'm lazy. But the Fitness Wagon is always on my mind, for over a decade now it's consumed my life.

I don't want to be a fat chick anymore.

So last week I had my annual check up and I'm totally healthy. No concerns. Perfect blood sugar, cholesterol, blood pressure. No weird spots, no weird symptoms, no strange pains. C-section is healed, my body is ready for another baby.

But I'm not ready yet. I still have work to do. I still have a long ride on that Fitness Wagon to take.  So why is this so hard? Am I just lazy? Am I scared that my identity will melt away with the pounds?

I know that's ridiculous and yet, something has held me back for over ten years. Something has derailed every Fitness Wagon ride I've been on since college. Frankly, I'm sick of this bullsh*t. Excuse my French.

I've lost only 17 of the 30 pounds I set out to lose by June.  Now, June's almost over.  Still got 13 pounds to go before I'll let myself have that second baby.  So if you're waiting for pregnancy news, keep waiting.  Mommy's not allowed to do anything until she finishes this. Seriously.

So this summer, I hope I run right by you on the sidewalk. I hope I kick the pants off of Jillian Michaels and her insane workout DVDs. I hope I finally give myself the reward I deserve for all my hard work. And I hope I can finally be proud to stand next to my hot, 60-pounds-trimmer husband and feel like I belong there.

Give me a leg-up on this Fitness Wagon and then, please, keep the cookies and the cupcakes out of my way, okay?

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Only For Now

There's this awesome Broadway show called Avenue Q, a twisted version of puppet-storytelling made just for the adults who grew up watching Sesame Street. While it's not something I'll be letting my kids watch (or hear) anytime soon, I really do love it.  I especially like the subtle wisdom it purports to fans... that growing up is sometimes disappointing, boring, and filled with things we don't really want to do.  But we do it anyway, sing a song about it, and move on.

As the finale song says, "Except for death and paying taxes, everything in life is only for now."

So yeah, I think about that when stuff isn't exactly the way I expected it to be.  When I go through rough patches, it helps me stay focused on how I'm going to change what I can in my situation.  It's a good motivator, and a catchy tune too.

When I had Ellie, things really sucked. She was sick, I was distracted... it happens. But it was only for "then," and now we're on to the next things.  When I had a tough time juggling work and a baby and my writing, I pushed through it and kept reminding myself it would pass, it would get easier.  It did, it always does.  And now, here I am. A brand new set of "only for nows" in my life, a whole new list of struggles. Honestly, I don't let it bog me down.

I really don't have the luxury of letting myself get bogged down. It takes up too much time.

Yeah, parenthood is tough... mostly because it's so vastly different from the way your life used to be.  Who doesn't wish they could just go get an ice cream late at night or see the latest movie with only a few minutes' notice?  Spontaneity isn't one of my life's accessories right now.  But it doesn't bother me at all.

One day, my kids won't live at home anymore and I'll be able to see all the movies and get all the ice cream cones I want, with no one to stop me. But I'll have my own struggles when that happens and I'll probably mourn my "empty nest."  My "only for nows" suit me just fine right now and I plan to enjoy them for all that their worth.

I'll trade all the ice cream cones in the world for the day-to-day life I have, even with all the limits and difficulties. I don't want to be rescued, I don't need to be freed.  I get the occasional night out and I enjoy it, but really, I belong here. And I like it here.

Even if it's only for now.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Elissa at Sixteen Months

It's been a long, long time since my last Ellie update. And if you don't follow me on facebook, you've been left in the dark.  For that, I apologize.

Meanwhile, my little jelly bean turns 16 months old this week... and what an incredible journey it has been so far!  She's walking, talking, and causing trouble like a little tornado. It's certainly keeping me on my toes, but it is much more fun to spend the day with her. She's mimicking almost everything I do now (which means no more cursing!) and wants to explore every bit of her environment (which means more toddler-proofing is required!) I'm having a great time watching her learn and grow, possibly the most rewarding aspect of parenting I've discovered so far.

Another thing that's changing about our little Ellie is her crazy mane of hair. We've gone from short, stick-straight locks to all-out curly tresses.  I suspect she inherited this from my youngest sister, the only one of us to have so many curls and keep them later on.  Ellie's hair is beautiful (if I do say so myself) and seems to be staying light and naturally highlighted for the time being.

We're down to just one nap a day now, but at least she's sleeping through the night again... finally!  Those last four teeth came in all together and kept us up many, many nights together.  I'm just praying that her mollars come in one at a time and let my angel get some sleep (and me!)

So now we have one week left until Daddy is on vacation, Mommy's book comes out next month, and the Ellie Bean is growing big and strong and getting ready for her second exciting adventure-filled summer.  I hope it will be easier for me to keep you posted in the meantime!

My Neglected Blog...

Oh, my poor blog. How could I have neglected you for so long?

Once again, I broke my word and left you to suffer, while I busied myself with other blogs, articles, and novels. How dare I? 

Truth be told, I've even considered moving you to Wordpress, where my posts won't get randomly deleted in a systems upgrade. But I haven't had the time or energy for that yet.

My poor, neglected blog.

I'm back now. It's all going to be okay.