Sometimes You'll Take OK News...

A few weeks, maybe months, ago we noticed something weird about Ellie's eyes. As she tries to focus, sometimes they dart back and forth. I thought it was muscle weakness, that maybe it was straining her eyes to much to focus on something. We knew she could see and that she could follow an object across a room, so we weren't worried.

When the Early Intervention nurse mentioned it, and advised she see an eye doctor, I still wasn't worried.

When I mentioned it to our pediatrician, who called in an immediate neurology visit, I started to get a little concerned. I learned that the medical term is "nystagmus," and it can be a sign of about 40 different conditions ranging in severity. In many cases, babies lose vision because of it.

It could've been something she was going to have anyway or it could have been caused by her previous medical history, specifically some of the drugs she was on.

What else is new?

So I panicked. Researched it on the internet. Tried to stay calm for our neurology appointment. I needn't have gotten too worked up. The neurologist quickly ruled out a neurological cause. That's good, since a neuro cause would have been life-long and completely irreversible. That's the kind of damage we don't need.

In the grand tradition of neurological consults, he did get us worked up about other issues (things that may never even happen and I'm choosing to ignore until they do) but told us this one wasn't one of them. Instead, we were off to see a pediatric opthalmalogist at Mass Eye & Ear.

Fun, fun.

So yesterday, she went. Mike went, since I had to work, and it was a good thing too... because I hear that watching someone torture your child is not a good experience. (I suppose I already know that, though...don't I?) Anyway, three people poked at her eyes, subjected her to eyedrops and vision tests, talked to Mike about things we've noticed, etc.

The end diagnosis was the best possible scenario. She has congenital motor nystagmus... basically, her eyes are always going to do that. They may shake less as the muscles strengthen, but she will always have to struggle to focus. Once she finds her "null point," an angle at which her eyes can hold steady to look at something, she will be fine. She has no vision loss but she will most likely need glasses later in life. Most people with this condition wear glasses but can drive without restrictions.

At least she can see. We'll find a way to work around the rest.

As I said, sometimes you'll take OK news and it will make you happy. We still don't know what caused her condition -- it's even possible that she would have had this regardless of her birth history. It could've been something that happened in the womb, something I did or didn't do... we'll never know. But at least we know now that it will only mildly interfere with her life.

She's going to be OK.

So I'll be OK too.

Family Walk Time

Every night, we take a family walk. We strap Elissa into the stroller and Penny into her harness and we walk three big loops around the Windsor property. Three.

For those who are unfamiliar with our apartment complex, we live on a giant hill. Three loops is a LOT of uphill work.

The past couple of nights have been humid and icky. And even though we wait until the sun has started to set, it's still gross.

And yet, we keep going out and taking our walks. I guess it's partly the exercise that keeps us motivated. I mean, we both need a good amount of cardio in our lives. But mostly, it's the time spent with our little family. Penny loves it, keeping pace in front of us, as though she's the pack leader. Ellie talks to us--or Bessie Cow--the whole time. And Mommy and Daddy get to work out all kinds of plans for the future and occasionally settle a "dispute."

We may not do this forever, but I think we've started a new tradition for ourselves. Every night, we get to drop everything for an hour and just stroll. Well, ok--haul ass up a giant hill. But you know what I mean.

And I feel pretty damn good after we get home. Blending fitness with family time might be just the thing I needed.

Back at Work

So I've been back at work part-time for a little over a month. It was kinda like dipping my toe into the water to check the temperature. Last week, I had to dive head first back into things for a week-long program we run every June.

The Dutch were here. I love this program and the students we hosted this time were lots of fun. I ran around all crazy for them all week, even getting a DVD recording of the Netherlands vs. Cameroon World Cup match to the cocktail reception on Thursday night. (Actually, that was a BLAST! And according to the Dutch, I have now made "friends for life." Sweet!)

Now they're back in Holland and I'm back at my desk full-time. Wrapping things up, getting back into the swing of my job. It's weird to be here just as I was before I had Ellie. Mike is at home, so I'm not worried, but I definitely miss her.

Last week was particularly tough. I felt so distant, so removed from my home life. I'd come home and I'd have no idea when she ate or pooped. How long did she nap? Did she learn something new today? Was she happy or cranky?

It's hard to feel so distant from my baby after all that time I spent being obsessed with her every move. There was a time when Ellie was all my brain had room to think about. Now, I have to go on with my life, pretending to care about other stuff.

I'm sure with time that it will all balance out. Maybe one day I won't feel quite so torn in half.

Maybe.

Many Legs & Many Hats

Yeah, I'm still here. It's been a while, I realize... my longest blogging dry spell (from this site, anyway). I'm a bad blogging Mommy. Tsk tsk.

I suppose you could say I have a lot on my mind. And it was a crappy week. And I'm not exactly sure what to do with everything that's happening in my life right now.

Ugh. I'm confused.

I started composing this blog post in my head (I do that sometimes) about a week ago... at 1 AM when I had insomnia. I had just had unpleasant encounters with someone from work, school, and my personal life and I had a lot to mull over. So I was sitting in bed, thinking - half about my life and half about why-in-the-hell-I-was-awake-at-1-AM - and I decided to go get a notebook to get it out on paper. Sometimes that helps me get to sleep.

I went into the office to get a notebook and instead encountered one of those giant centipede things. It was all up in my diploma frame and ready to eat me alive. With a can of aerosol Pantene hairspray (yes, there's a hole in the ozone with my name on it), and one of Mike's shoes (because mine don't fight insects as a general rule), I battled it to the death.

Once victorious, I was too tired to write anything. And this blog post was shelved. Indefinitely.

So here I am, barely able to remember what I was going to say, but I think it was something about juggling. And how I have always sucked at it because of my poor coordination.

But in the days following that night, I have worn so many hats, I can't remember which hat I left all those thoughts in. And really, between the Mommy Hat, Writer Hat, Student Hat, Admin Hat, Wife Hat, Housekeeper Hat, Pet-Owner Hat, Friend Hat, Daughter Hat, and Sister Hat.... well, jeez. What was I saying?

Oh yeah. Juggling. I suck at it.

What I've learned this week is that I can't wear more than one hat at a time. If I do, I really can't concentrate well on either one. I just don't give either "hat" it's due amount of attention.

On the other hand, I can't wear any one hat for too long, because my other hats feel neglected. But now I have too many hats to have enough time to give them all the attention they need. Does that make sense?

I'm only one woman.

I only have one head.

So, I needed to vent. Here I am. Back at work, still in school, adjusting to days away from my Ellie Belly, and trying to be the supportive friend I've always been. Oh yeah, also trying to write for a career. In my alleged free time.

In case you were wondering, there's no Free Time Hat anymore.

Now, I'm not complaining. I really am looking for a solution. I can't help that I have all of these responsibilities, and I don't resent any of them. I want this to work. I do. I just don't know how to get a good hat rotation schedule.

And yeah, I need to spend more time with that Exercise Hat.

Fat chance.

But that centipede encounter did teach me something. Sometimes in our lives, we need to put our thoughts away, arm ourselves with shoes and hairspray, and beat the living daylights out of a problem. How many legs that problem has is beside the point. When it's time to step up and do something, that's all you have to concentrate on.

With a little hard work, and some forethought, maybe I can get ahead of the problem and be waiting there, shoe in hand. Finding the problems before they find me might be the only way to keep up with my life for a little while.

I'm a Cheater

Elissa slept through the night last night. In her crib. Seriously!

But I have a secret... She's getting help. No, it's not Ambien (sickos). I'm slipping a teaspoon of rice cereal into her nighttime bottle. We've been doing this for a week and it's really working!

For the first few nights, though, we had her sleeping in her bassinet in our room. I think the bassinet pisses her off, now that she is older. She likes to stretch her arms and legs out when she's sleeping (like her Daddy, I guess) and it wakes her up when she punches the sides. Understandable. She's too big.

Thankfully, the crib was ready to go! So we put her in it last night and it seemed to do the trick. She slept from 9 pm until almost 6 am. That's a full night's sleep! I guess now that she isn't hungry in the middle of the night, there's no reason to wake up.

I realize I'm not the first mom to discover this, but I thought that I should share it with the new moms who haven't yet. When her belly is full, she's happy and she can sleep. I suppose it's good for her too -- who doesn't want a good 8+ hour stretch?

Hopefully, life will get a little easier around here. Just in time for me to go back to work full time.

Ellie's Friends

When I was a little girl, my "imaginary friend" was a life-size plus doll that I absolutely adored. I talked to her, played tea party with her, and brought her with me everywhere. Granted, I was a little older at the time than Ellie is now, but I can already see her growing attached to her own "friends."

Ollie Octopus - Ellie's Under the Sea playmat is her favorite place to hang out. She "talks" to her octopus for an hour every day and even reaches to touch his face. I've never heard a baby simulate conversation to this extent before -- it's impressive. And if it's any indication of things to come, we're all in trouble. There's a talkative toddler on the way!
Bessie Cow - When we were at MGH, a charity group called Project Sweet Pea delivered a tote bag filled with gifts for a baby girl. (Look them up, they're amazing!! They bring gifts to all NICU parents.) In the bag was a purple cow toy - half blanket, half plush. We brought it home and kept it in her room, all but forgotten. When our EI case manager suggested we give her a toy to self-comfort, it seemed like the perfect choice. She LOVES Bessie now. And since we've been using it, she hasn't had any crazy crying fits. Bessie always calms her down.

Piglet - Before she was born, I bought Winnie the Pooh plush ring toys. They were too adorable to pass up. As it turns out, Ellie loves to play with them before she can put her arm through the ring. She can also try to eat their faces. Her favorite one to eat is Piglet... I guess since he's the smallest and she can grab his face. Anyway, she really likes chatting with these guys too!

I suppose if you think about it, Ellie likes calamari, steak, and bacon... Huh. Still, it's nice to see her connecting language with her toys, especially since she seems to know she should talk to the animals' "faces." Isn't it amazing what instincts we're born with?

Plotting Along

In fiction, there are two types of writers. Plotters and 'Pantsters.' Plotters like to plot their novel ahead of time -- a road map to guide them on the journey from the beginning to the end. Pantsters fly by the seat of their pants -- whatever happens is usually a big surprise to them as they write along.

When I write, I like to be a pantster. I enjoy creating characters who have a goal. Then I take these characters, throw them into a mess, and see what happens. Chaos ensues. But sometimes, I stumble upon something worth keeping.

In my life, however, I like to be a plotter. I'm not sure why I strive to control the uncontrollable, but I keep doing it day in and day out. I cite my blog post about scheduling as an example. And even though Ellie's birth taught me that you can't plan these things I'm already at it again.

Oh yes. I have big plans for the course of the next five years. When will we have #2? Will it be a boy or a girl? How many children will we have? Where are we going to live? What's our plan for working and managing the house?

Most people have an idea of these things. I have an outline. As though I could sit down and script it right now.

So why can't I shut off this annoying habit that I have? Why can't I live my life like the pantster I wish I was? Why do my characters get to have a freedom I don't?

This weekend, as I was explaining to my mom the birth order of my son and second daughter, and their approximate birthdays, she stopped me. She said simply, "Maybe you should take a break from planning things for awhile."

Maybe she's right. Maybe it is that simple.

I think I'm going to give it a try.